Too fat to love
I am insanely busy and really don’t have much time to post, but I just saw like, 19 ads for Bulging Brides on the Fine Living Network or some other bullshit channel and I really need to Hulk out about it.
Women are told that if only they spend enough money on stuffed chicken breasts and place settings, their wedding will be the most magical day of their lives and they will be princesses for a day and really, isn’t that every 27 year old accountant/elementary school teacher/HR rep’s dream? To be a pwetty, pwetty pwincess? Weddings aren’t about the joining of two people who love each other or whatever other bullshit people try to delude themselves into thinking; they are an over-the-top, idealized celebration of patriarchy in its microcosmic form. When planning a wedding, women are made to concern themselves with trivialities like seating charts and the exact shade of midnight blue their bridesmaids’ dresses will be while their fiances are free to go about business as usual, only with the occasional tux fitting or cake tasting, all leading up to a bachelor party in which they will be fully encouraged to comodify the bodies of other women on their last night of “freedom”. In order for this day to be perfect in its devotion to the partriarchy, the bride cannot merely show up, her happy, smiling self. No, she needs to personify the “feminine” qualities of meek submissiveness by taking up as little space as possible. If she doesn’t? Then she has to suffer. And that’s where Bulging Brides comes in. Let’s roll the clip.
I can barely describe how insulted I am by this. There is so much wrong here, and in such a small amount of time, a mere two minutes! First of all, the “Bulging Bride” does not appear to be bulging by any definition outside the world of runway modeling. She is what would be referred to as being a “healthy weight” by people who like to pretend their fat hatred stems from concern about health. We see her flying in the face of her trainers by daring to ENJOY HERSELF at her bachelorette party, where we see several clips of her doing things as audacious as EATING and DRINKING! The scandal! Silly bitch, don’t you know that eating is for fat girls? And we all know that no man is capable of loving a fat girl. It’s just the way they have evolved over time. You can’t change nature.
Of course, we can’t let a woman get away with having a good time, so her trainer, Douchey McMuscles, shows up at her house at 6:30 the next morning for “payback”. He tells the women on the way to their mystery location that they are going to fufill a lifelong fantasy. Ugh. I should have known what was coming. It’s time for poledancing lessons! Yes, because it is every woman’s fantasy to be reduced to their boner-inducing capabilities. That’s why sex workers are among some of the most well-respected and influential people in society! I will admit that at one point I didn’t think that pole dancing lessons were the worst thing in the world. I mean, I like dancing, but I also have a tendency to move in awkward jerks that leave me bumping into things. Thus, dance classes have always seemed like they would be fun and energizing and might help me control my spastic movements. But having seen pole dancing lessons? Are they kidding? How can anyone delude themselves into calling that a “workout”? Slowly moving your ass in a circular motion does not make for good cardio, I’m sorry. That is ridiculous. They actually teach them how to give lap dances. Are you kidding me? Does that really need to be taught? I can teach you how to give a lap dance in one sentence: Take off your clothes and hump a dude sitting in a chair. There! Lap dance lesson complete. Now pay up.
Ostensibly, her “payback” workout should be something long, arduous, and capable of burning off a lot of calories. But no, this show isn’t actually about losing weight. It is about women learning to be “the perfect bride”, which will initiate them into a life of suffering and service to their families, as demonstrated when the bride’s future husband comes in to reap the rewards of her 6:30AM, spinny, hangoverey workout and receive an embarassing, public lap dance. Yay weddings!
The message that these women are given is not that their dress is the wrong size, but that their body is the wrong size. The trainers insult them, calling them “chubsters” and “bulging brides”. The episode descriptions are similarly mean-spirted. Take this one for an episode called “No Pain, No Gain”: “Sharon’s a former figure skater whose figure has been expanding ever since going to college and then having a baby. She has to slim way down in order to fit into her dress, but will her laziness keep her bulging in all the wrong places?” It’s not that she should have ordered the dress in a different size or that she’s too busy planning a wedding and taking care of a child or that hey, having babies has a tendency to put a few pounds on you. The whole reason the dress doesn’t fit is because she’s lazy.
I couldn’t find too many clips, but if you want to see more of this atrocity, I recommend watching Sarah Haskins take on bridal shows on Target Women. Then at least your tears of sadness will merge with tears of laughter!
Filed under: body image, fat phobia, gender roles, media, misogyny, victim blaming | 8 Comments
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RARRRR!!! CRANKOSAUR SMASH PUNY BRIDAL SHOW!!!!
Did anybody else notice that the “bulging bride” was one of the slimmest and fittest women at her bachelorette party? I guess they figured they could destroy everyone else’s self-esteem at once by telling the normal one that she should be ashamed of herself.
As far as lapdances go, your explanation of the technique reminded me of a friend’s comic strip.
If you want more proof that exotic/pole dancing lessons are ridiculous, see if you can track down ads for the Flirty Girl Fitness workout videos. They even offer a stripper pole home installation kit!
Did ya happen to notice that the women DID NOT FIT IN THE DRESS. Think you are angry because either you aren’t married, or you were a bit tubby at your wedding and now look back the pictures with horror. Back cleavage is NOT attractive in that wedding video that will haunt you forever, unless he leaves you for being angry about many many things which is clearly the case.
chill, baby, its just a tv series. try PBS. the stuff there is very uplifting, if you can stay awake…
J. Orlowski: Here’s an idea: maybe they should have bought a dress that fit them in the first place instead of buying one two sizes too small for “thinspiration”. Except, you know, most women are made to be too ashamed of their bodies to actually buy things in their size. And yes, I must just be bitter because I was fat at my wedding. Your skills of deduction astound me. They would be all the more impressive if I actually believed in weddings, or marriage in general, which, if you had read my post, I think it is fairly clear that I do not. I find your suggestion that my boyfriend will leave me for daring to get pissed off when I see egregious, disgusting displays of sexism (or any other kind of -ism) to be insulting. My taste in men is much better than that, and Mr. Crankosaur and I have very similar tastes when it comes to ridiculous displays of misogyny. And try telling all the academics who study media that it’s “just a tv series”. The media may not create inequalities, but it supports them. Trivializing entertainment allows it to further perpetuate inequalities.
And way to dismiss my opinions by accusing me of being a fat, single, and angry female. You, madam, are a textbook example of an appeaser.
Its still not TV’s fault that other women are too stupid for you.
surely, there’s a fricken rabid feminist book signing for you somewhere.
Your reading conprehension once more leaves something to be desired. I never said it was TV’s fault that, as you put it, women are “stupid”. I said it was the fault of our patriarchal society, and that TV is a reflection of that society. The media serves to reinforce norms, thus telling a wide audience what is and is not socially acceptable. Thus the perpetuation of inequality.
If you’ll excuse me, it appears I have a book signing to attend. Toodles!
“Did ya happen to notice that the women DID NOT FIT IN THE DRESS.”
I know that when I don’t fit into my clothing, I go on a television show to be humiliated and taught how to pole dance. Oh, wait. No I don’t. I donate that clothing and buy something in my size! Sometimes, I skip that middle step of buying stuff and donating it by buying clothing in my size to begin with. I thought it was fairly economical, but apparently I’m doing it wrong.
“Take off your clothes and hump a dude sitting in a chair. There! Lap dance lesson complete. Now pay up.”
That’s how it’s done? Wow. How much do I owe you?
And John’s right – CRANKOSAUR SMASH – and smashed good!
Oh My Goddess – WOMEN ARE EATING????????? WOMEN ARE DRINKING ALCOHOL??? What is the world coming to?
This is the most refreshing thing I have read in ages. Your attitude and writing style are awesome, and give me some cause for optimism. At least the tragedy that is “Bulging Brides” is somewhat ameliorated by the fact that there are other people out there who just think, “what utter shit” and refuse to buy into it.