How not to receive a death curse while grocery shopping

17Jun08

I work as a cashier in a grocery store. I know, you were expecting something more along the lines of German pop star, and I’m sorry to disappoint, but hey, I am what I am. It’s a relatively small store, with a lot of regulars, so we don’t get too many assholes and freaks, but they do show up every once in a while. You may not particularly care if a cashier thinks you’re a prick, but you may want to give that some more thought; we are a vindictive bunch, with more than a few among our ranks practicing the dark arts. Your life may depend upon us staying happy. It is impossible to cover everything you are doing wrong, but here are a few of the big ones, based on the experiences of my coworkers and myself:
1. Don’t openly insult or condescend the cashier: Saying, “Another product of the public school system” when the cashier takes a little extra time to calculate your change is not funny. And while your cashier is packing your bags, there is no need to say, “Good girl!” as if talking to a potty training toddler.
2. Don’t openly insult or condescend other workers: Your cashier probably knows the people whom you are calling “dummies” and likes them far better than you.
3. Don’t sexually proposition the cashier: The girl handing out samples is in high school, old man, and if you’re going to ask her out, at least suggest somewhere better than Chipotle. Also, avoid the topic of anal sex. Just… trust me on that one.
4. Don’t touch the cashier: Some contact is inevitable when handing over money and the like, but it is easy to tell if you are touching your cashier inappropriately. Are you touching her ass? Are you kissing her? Stop what you’re doing and get out before you are kicked out.
5. Don’t mention anything controversial without testing the waters: Do not mention abortion, how lazy people with food stamps are, or how Barack Obama is probably a terrorist without getting some indication that your cashier has also been lobotomized.
6. Lastly, for God’s sake, don’t write on the credit card swiper with a real pen! It’s not that hard to figure it the hell out! Is the pen attached to the machine in any way? Is it a REAL FREAKING PEN? Then put it the fuck down! And you don’t have to stab the damned thing! What the cock has it ever done to you? Why do you feel the need to inflict violence upon it? A gentle tap will suffice! Jesus Christ.

Filed under: creeper, wage slave   |  2 Comments